When we picture control in relationships, many of us imagine the obvious: someone raising their voice, dominating decisions, or refusing compromise. But not all control is so visible. In fact, some of the most destructive forms are those that don’t resemble control at all.

Covert control is subtle. It hides under good intentions, excuses, or even vulnerability. It’s the “invisible hand” that keeps one partner in charge of the rhythm of the relationship without ever admitting it. And because it’s hidden, it can be harder to recognize, talk about, and ultimately change.

Let’s explore some of the most common ways covert control shows up in relationships—plus how to respond with clarity and care.

1. Using Mental Illness or “I Can’t Help It” as a Shield

It’s one thing to be honest about anxiety, depression, or anger management struggles. It’s another to use those struggles as a hall pass for behavior that hurts your partner.

• “You know I have depression, so you can’t expect me to help with chores.”

• “I can’t help yelling; it’s just my anxiety.”

Over time, this pattern forces one partner to absorb all the responsibility. Compassion is crucial, but so is accountability. A healthier approach might sound like: “My depression makes chores overwhelming. Can we agree on a system where I do lighter tasks and still contribute?”

👉 Try this: If mental health struggles impact your partnership, create a shared “support plan” that acknowledges the challenge but outlines mutual responsibilities.

2. Excuses Around Behavior: “I’d Rather Not Mess Up”

Sometimes, covert control is disguised as humility.

• “I’m not good with money; you handle all the finances.”

• “I don’t want to deal with conflict because I’ll just make things worse.”

This might sound considerate, but it leaves one partner carrying all the weight of specific tasks. Over time, the relationship begins to feel more like a parent-child relationship than an equal partnership.

👉 Reframe it: Instead of opting out, agree to learn together. If finances feel overwhelming, take a basic money course as a couple. If conflict is intimidating, practice using the Speaker-Listener Technique to make conversations safer and more equitable.

3. Strategic Busyness: Always Too Busy for “Us”

Picture this: You plan a morning workout together, but your partner suddenly “remembers” an errand. Or every time you want to sit down and talk, they magically find a chore that can’t wait.

This subtle pattern says, “My schedule takes priority over our connection.” It doesn’t need to be malicious, but repeated often enough, it communicates disinterest and keeps emotional distance.

👉 Check in together: At the start of each week, sit down and mark out protected couple time in both your schedules. Treat it like a necessary appointment, not optional downtime.

4. Withholding Emotional Access

Sometimes control isn’t about what a partner does—it’s about what they withhold. Emotional stonewalling, delayed affection, or silence after a conflict can all serve as covert control mechanisms. They quietly send the message: “You’ll get closeness back when I decide.”

👉 Respond differently: Instead of chasing for affection, calmly name the pattern: “I feel disconnected when we go silent after conflict. Can we agree on a way to check in within 24 hours?”

5. Over-Helping or “Rescuing” as Control

On the surface, constantly stepping in to handle tasks may look caring: doing the bills, cooking every meal, or running all the errands. But sometimes “helping” morphs into subtle domination. One partner decides how everything gets done, leaving the other disempowered.

👉 Balance the load: Ask yourselves: Are both of us making decisions, or does one of us execute tasks? True teamwork means contribution and influence.

6. Playing the Victim to Deflect Accountability

Few things derail a conflict like one partner turning the tables:

• “I wouldn’t have snapped if you hadn’t pushed me.”

• “You always make me feel like the bad guy.”

This reframes responsibility and leaves the other partner feeling guilty for even raising concerns. Over time, one partner’s needs dominate because the other is afraid of “causing hurt.”

👉 Healthy alternative: Use “I” statements that own your behavior and feelings instead of shifting blame.

7. The Micro-Decisions That Add Up

It’s not just the big choices that shape control—it’s the little ones, too. Who picks the restaurant? The TV show? The weekend plans? If one partner always slides their preferences in unnoticed, the other partner may wake up months later, realizing they rarely get a say.

👉 Audit your patterns: For one week, track who decides what. If it feels lopsided, bring it up; not as an accusation, but as an invitation to restore balance.

Why People Use Covert Control

Often, covert control isn’t malicious. It can grow out of:

• Fear of rejection or failure.

• Anxiety about open conflict.

• A need for security or predictability.

• Learned patterns from childhood.

Understanding this doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it helps couples approach it with empathy instead of hostility.

Moving Toward Equality and Respect

Covert control can quietly erode intimacy, trust, and balance. But with awareness, couples can turn it around. Here are a few steps to start:

1. Name it: Awareness is half the battle. Once you recognize the pattern, it loses some of its hidden power.

2. Practice equal dialogue: Use structured tools like the Speaker-Listener Technique to ensure both voices are heard.

3. Set boundaries with love: Be clear about what behaviors you won’t accept, while also showing compassion.

4. Commit to growth together: Swap control for collaboration. Instead of “I win, you lose,” look for “we both win.”

Final Word

Covert control thrives in silence, excuses, and avoidance. But relationships flourish when both partners feel equally valued and empowered. By uncovering hidden power plays and addressing them openly, you and your partner can trade silent struggles for honest dialogue, and quiet imbalance for shared connection.

Healthy love isn’t about who has control; it’s about building a partnership where neither of you needs it.

But don't just take our word for it. Discover if you might be experiencing covert control in your relationship by taking the quiz below.

Quiz: Am I Experiencing Covert Control in My Relationship?

This quick quiz isn’t meant to diagnose, but it can help you reflect on whether subtle patterns of control may be affecting your relationship. Answer honestly with Yes / Sometimes / No.

Emotional Patterns

1. My partner often says they “can’t help it” (because of stress, anxiety, depression, etc.) when they hurt me or behave poorly.

2. I find myself walking on eggshells because I’m afraid of triggering their reactions.

3. When I raise an issue, the conversation quickly shifts to my partner being the “victim.”

Daily Life & Decisions

4. My partner regularly schedules errands or chores that interfere with plans we’ve made together.

5. They tend to make small decisions (what to watch, where to go, who we see) without checking in with me—and I go along to avoid conflict.

6. Even when I want to contribute (e.g., with finances, chores, or decisions), they “take over” because they think I’ll mess it up.

Connection & Intimacy

7. After conflicts, my partner often withholds affection or goes silent until I give in.

8. I feel like I give more emotionally (listening, supporting, compromising) than I receive.

9. I sometimes feel like a child being “managed,” instead of an equal partner.

Scoring Your Reflection

• Mostly Yes: Covert control may be a consistent dynamic in your relationship. This is a signal to address the patterns openly and consider outside support (workshops, coaching, or therapy).

• Mostly Sometimes: You may be experiencing occasional covert control, which could grow into a larger issue if not addressed. Now is a good time to reset boundaries and improve communication.

• Mostly No: Covert control is likely not a significant pattern in your relationship, but keep awareness high and revisit the quiz if things shift.

Next Steps

• Talk About It: Share your results with your partner. Use “I” statements (e.g., “I feel dismissed when…”) instead of blame.

• Set Boundaries Together: Agree on how you’ll both take responsibility for your behaviors and decisions.

• Seek Resources: Consider relationship education tools like the Speaker-Listener Technique or coaching sessions for structured support.

✨ Remember: healthy love is built on openness, equality, and shared responsibility—not silent control.